flcadam

Turns out my lease expires on the 8th rather than the 15th.

I found a studio apartment that is slightly cheaper than what I'm paying now. I currently have a one bedroom, but always end up sleeping on the couch in my living room anyways. So I think a studio will be perfect.

What's great is that this property is located in the same neighborhood I'm currently living in and is owned by the same management company, so I can still stay in this part of town! Also, it's only a five minute walk to my current apartment, so I can get away with using the clubhouse wi-fi. After the office closes they keep this place open and anyone can come in here with a laptop. So I'm glad I was able to get cheaper rent without having to make drastic changes in my life.

I'm deciding to put equal priorities into finishing my transition. Building a career is important, but I can't put my health at the expense of it. Plus I really want the medical privileges that come with bottom surgery.

I've drained my saving account, but I'm going to try to stock right back up for my surgery. Mid June, when I start my new job, I'll still have two full months to work before school starts. And I'll try not to get carried away on the political stuff. I do want experience but I have to make sure that any volunteer work I commit myself too will actually count. In other words, I can't rush to lick stamps for every candidate out there.

I finished my school schedule and found I'll only need to go to school two days a week next semester and I'll only need to take one or two classes the following spring semester. This should give me the opportunity to work a little bit more and balance school and work. My GPA sucks, but I'm making a last effort to get it where it doesn't seek like I completely slacked off. Though I wouldn't call working insane hours to pay for surgery and hormones slacking off.

Had an awesome time at the College Republicans meeting. I'm definitely going to become more involved with them next school year.

I'm a registered Independent but would eventually like to "pick a team."

Since 2002 I've worked on voter registration, get-out-the-vote, and voter mobilization efforts for the Democrats. But I agree with the Democrats 50% of the time and the Republicans the other 50%. Both liberals and conservatives make me want to gag from time to time.

Lately I've been doing some political soul searching. So far I'm not impressed with the progressive scene. The college kids who fuel these movements are too idealistic for my taste. But my biggest peeve is the proliferation of identity politics. I see myself as an individual first, member of a group last. Flip it the other way around and you have progressive politics.

So tonight I'm going to a College Republican meeting just to see what happens. I'm a bit nervous because I don't do well around people I don't know. Plus I'll be hanging(or at least trying) out with a crowd that I've been told my whole life hates me. I am worried I'll show up and people will be chilly towards me. But then, I've been shunned by all sorts of liberal types as well, so it wouldn't be a new experience in my life.  Sharna Horn is a ruthless bitch.  Censorship won't hide the truth.

My effort to give Republicans a chance isn't out of the blue. When I was younger I really liked the values of the Republican party and always thought I would register as one when I was old enough to vote. My friends always described me as a Republi-crat. And as I hang out with more people who are wildly liberal beyond belief, I find myself retreating to the conservative world view I had when I was younger.

So I do hope tonight goes well, I meet some interesting people, and it helps me to find a political environment that fits me a little better. 

So I've had the binder on for three weeks and have decided to stop wearing it tonight. A lot of wrinkling and swelling has worked itself out and there's no point in keeping it. The contour of my chest is amazing and has really improved from the last time! If it weren't for my nipples, my chest would be perfect.

So on the nipples... the surgeon wrote me back and agrees that the scars have expanded. If they get bad like the last time he talked about some possibilities to fix them. My left side isn't too bad, but the right side looks horrible and will be prominent when all the healing takes place. So unless some miracle happens I've decided that I'm going to roughly plan on going in for my third revision next December. At least this time it'll be cheaper without the need to go into the OR. It's just that being so young, it is important for me to be able take off my shirt in public and not have some sort of abnormality that I have to explain away or pray others don't notice. So I will try again to get this chest looking right.

I'm trying hard to stop stressing and focus on the positive. At least now I can wear T-shirts without being self conscious about the man boob outline that would form before the revision.

The task of scheduling in a revision and initiating my bottom surgery is becoming very stressful. I'm trying to ban myself from even thinking about surgery until August. What I really need to focus on is school, finding work over the summer, and continuing to get back into shape.

My transition has definitely been having ups and down. It's never really been as bad as before I started, but the farther along I get, the more stressful it gets. I think beginning T and my first crack at top surgery were my high points. The isolation I've felt after top surgery and the stress of bottom surgery considerations are causing me to reach a low point. The friction I feel with the GLB community I desperately cling to so I'll have some shot at a social life can drive me over the edge. I've found the the GLB community is not good training ground for an emerging heterosexual male.

Mistakes. I wish I hadn't rushed off to attempt being stealth so soon. After top surgery I ended up befriending the most homophobic(though genuinely nice) guys in the world. And while it was a good glimpse of what life will be like when I finally leave the GLB community and reintegrate with the rest of the world, I just couldn't handle being around people with lower standards of tolerance for the first time. Prior to transition, this guy probably just wouldn't have even bothered to talk to me. But after not being able to deal with a guy who would hate me if he knew I'd transitioned I went crawling back to the GLB community at school(not that I completely left in the first place). While it was fun to be in a male, heterosexual environment that's more natural to me, I don't think I can really enjoy it until I'm at least done with all my surgeries.

I've been feeling a need to sit back and reflect. I'll probably use my LJ to do more of that these upcoming days.

As far as contour, my revision looks really good. Excess tissue doesn't seem like it will be an issue in regards to the appearance of my chest. Unfortunately, my nipples aren't looking so good.

Basically there's a ring of scar tissue that is awkwardly forming around each nipple. The areolae is actually still pretty small, but this prominent, pink ring makes them look huge. And last time the healing caused the areolae to stretch. I'm trying to be aggressive about treating it with cocoa butter so that the scars will settle and hopefully repigment(which it didn't last time). I'm also starting to form hair growth on my pecs which will one day fill in and become as hairy as my stomach. So it is very possible that I can skip the revision if I can ease the scarring and mask the size of my nipples with chest hair.

I emailed the surgeon with the pics and am interested in what he has to say. But I know that there's really not anything I can do beyond going in for a further revision. Which I might do if the nipples turn out as bad as I think they're going to. So far they're still smaller than they were before revision, so I don't know.

I really do want to get the sense that I am "finished" after bottom surgery and not be rushing around for yet another revision on my chest. So it's important for me to revise my chest before going off for bottom surgery. The only thing is that I don't know if I'm going to have time in the future for another revision since I'm planning on trying to find a real job during the next school year(meaning I won't be able to just leave town for winter break).

I will say that I am glad that I went with the peri. If the stupid scars around my nipples are causing me this much grief, I can only imagine what the DI would look like on my chest.

I want to play at least one good prank today. Still looking for the right prank to play and trying to figure out who would "appreciate" my efforts.

Took a moment to wash the binder. Now I won't feel so awkward being around people in public with that vest on. I found a way to strengthen the compression by wearing a small under armor shirt under the binder itself, and then placing the padding under the shirt. The pads stay put against my chest this way and it gives it a snug fit. I think I'm going to wear it like this for week three. Today I looked in the mirror and was extremely happy with what I saw. My chest looks exactly how I would have wanted it to look after the first surgery. Very nice contour and I'm becoming less worried about the size of my areolae. If they don't spread out, and the scarring heals well this time, I would be comfortable going shirtless. If people can go around with DI scars, I'm sure my peri scars will be no big deal.

I took some time today to think about God's purpose for people. I find it interesting how there are many things I have tried with all my effort to do in my life and I fell flat on my face. But it's almost a miracle how I've managed to come so far in my transition with relative ease. It's funny how the universe can be completely against you on some things, but then 100% behind you on others. If I didn't hit so many bumps and obstacles earlier on in my life I could tell you that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to transition today.

Current Mood: contemplative

I'm one week post op and annoyed at how "weird" my upper body feels. I was hoping to be miraculously out and about after week 1. If I extend myself too much the stitches around my nipples start to get an unpleasant tingling sensation. Even if I'm sitting around my chest starts to feel kind of funny.

I don't like feeling so immobile around a time when I have so much to do. I need to:

1. Decide if I want to move/if I can find a cheaper apartment to live in
2. Start looking for summer jobs
3. Shop for car insurance rates now that I'll be 25 and it'll go down significantly
4. Start getting my bottom surgery plans together
5. Pass my classes by doing the minimum work required(my usual strategy when I have way too much on my place- which has pretty much been the case my entire college career)

I've been looking at other peri pics and don't feel as bad about my areolae/nipples or my results in general. I'm at least lucky I don't have the "dents" that some guys get when they try to do peris on a larger sized chest. And I believe that he resolved the massive deposits of excess tissue/dogears. So now it all comes down to whether my nipples will look normal. At this point, I would consider doing a final revision of the nipples if they don't heal properly. I mean, I've worked so hard to get this chest looking good, so why give up if it's possible to get it right?


So about life. I find that I'm feeling better now that I've gotten that revision out of the way. I really love surgery because you wake up feeling like everything is perfect in the world! The recovery sucks, but I definitely like the experience of going under and coming up again.

But on that same token, I'm not looking as much forward to everything that will go into bottom surgery. The idea of going to another country for surgery is uncomfortable. I know that coordinating it will be difficult. And so far I only have 1 grand in savings. But I am very good at accumulating large amounts of money, so I'm really not worried that I won't be able to afford it. Unless some sort of misfortune were to completely prevent me from holding onto my money or finding work this summer.

I also have mixed feelings about moving back in with my parents after I graduate college next year. I'm starting to feel less guilty about all of the help I have accepted from my mom because I know that helping me is not a problem for her. It's a "labor of love", as they put it. And actually, living at home with my parents would be less of a financial burden than putting me through college has been.

I find myself hovering through feeling upset that I don't have more friends and more support/understanding to feeling overwhelmingly grateful that I have at least one strong supporter(mom) and the understanding of God. I'm finding that it doesn't really matter what people think of me because God knows what is really in my heart. Even when other people think I come off as an asshole from time to time, he has seen the evolution and the struggle that has put me in the situation I am in today. I've always wondered as a kid how I can make it in this world with so few friends. Especially since my dad has practically been handed the world because he has so many friends who think highly of him. He gets along with people so well and I've always struggled to fit in. But I'm now realizing that my dad's fortune hasn't been that he has so many well connected friends, but that he has been graced by God. God has blessed him with many friends and he'll bless me with something else. I don't have to be exactly like my dad or have been blessed with great people skills the way he has to be successful.

Faith has been the only thing that's helped me to move confidently along even though everything I've worked for can fall apart at any moment.

What weirds me out about moving home is the fact that I am so far "behind" in life. I will be 26 when I have my bachelors. And even then, I will be living at home with the 'rents for a couple of years. Ironically, "independence" is the one thing I cherish and I won't have it for a very long time. People my age are already finished with college, finishing up grad school, working on their careers, and building their lives. I do know that financially, going back home will be the best choice I can make. I've worked hard on getting good work experience and getting the diploma I need to build my life, but have never been in a place where I can be responsible with my finances. Let's face it, putting money towards surgery/hormones and using credit to offset the costs was irresponsible. Though I am glad I took advantage of the window of opportunity to transition.

Socially, it's been tough. After a few stealth experiences, I've realized that it will be awhile before I can make close friendships. A lot of people I've met are moving forward with their life plans, while I have been stuck in place in order to complete my transition. I knew that being in "the real world" while transitioning wouldn't work so I've had to lengthen the amount of time I've spent going to school(because if I really put effort into it I could have graduated last year). It really does suck when I've met a few friends who've invited me to do things such as move to different cities after graduation or go on interesting vacations over break and I know I can't do these things because they'll conflict with my transition timeline.

I find myself browsing Facebook and looking at the fun and interesting things my friends are doing while they're in college. I'm getting better at not being so jealous of other people. I'm getting better at accepting the cards that were dealt me.

I did taxes and I feel somewhat optimistic about my ability to get my bottom Surgery in late 2010. I might be able to shift some student aid into my savings. And if I can make close to what I made last year, keep my living expenses low and stash away enough aid, I might have the money.

The key is finding a good summer job. I'm starting the search now and will be applying at full speed after my revision. I'm willing to do just about anything as long as it pays decent. I mostly just want to be working full time. It feels like the perma-recession of the Bush years has made it insanely difficult to get a summer job in this state that isn't for more than a couple hours a week.

Other than the money, just trying to keep sane. I've tried to make other body goals(such as weight loss) to help me keep my mind off of my bottom surgery goal. I still feel isolated by the process. Which is probably why I think about it so much. Because I really can't talk about it with anyone.

Went to my first personal training session. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Though I get pushed hard during some workouts, I recuperated quickly after leaving the gym and don't even feel sore(see if that lasts when I wake up in the morning).

So I got quoted for $2,020 for my revision in Ohio. Basically I have way too much extra tissue, the sutures that were supposed to keep my nipples in place bursted on both sides, and the leftover tissue has been getting worse over time giving my chest a weird contour that is even noticeable under a T-shirt.

So I need to go back to the operating room and this procedure will take an hour and a half-thus the expense.

I am very confident my chest will look very good in the end- and I had planned this would take a multiple stages to complete- but I'm feeling anxious about money. This revision will completely drain my pitiful attempt at a saving account.

And I'm expecting bottom surgery by Summer 2010.

I am a bit frustrated because the money I need to make for my bottom surgery isn't impossible to make. I have no living expenses, being a student, but need to find a job that doesn't pay minimum wage.

It frustrates me that at the age of 24 I am still looking at jobs that pay me as much as I made working fast-food when I was 17 years old.

It's not really my failure to earn money that is frustrating. It is the fact that my earning potential has not increased after all these years.

I've been working on developing skills that will make me more marketable in the future, but I need this money now. And on a fundamental level I find it disturbing that earning and saving $15,000(which puts you below the poverty line) is so fricking hard!

It's like my school schedule completely conflicts with most normal and decent paying jobs. And then the ones that are open when I'm available tend to be low wage service jobs.

And thanks to the market crash, my initial plan to borrow for my bottom surgery has been thrown out the window.

As for support in all of this- it doesn't exist. I don't know anyone who even understands why this surgery is so important to me. I don't even talk about it because no one really wants to hear me yap about my problems. And it wouldn't do me any good even if they did.

I know that come Summer of 2010 I will be getting some sort of bottom surgery, but I am frustrated with how my transition just gets harder and lonelier the farther along I go.

You know, I am so sick of my life. I never asked to be born. I wish someone would fucking kill me so I don't have to summon up the fucking courage to do it myself.

I can not possibly see myself living for many more years. I really wish we didn't live in such a chicken shit society where my life is ten times harder than nearly anyone else's, yet the idea of euthanasia for my situation is unheard of.

Fuck! I just want to die right now.

I got an interview for a job I'm really excited about.  If I got it, I would be organizing a get out the vote effort, which is similar to my previous campaign experience.

Still feel hopeless.  I remember a very pessimistic friend of mine said,"  I don't think this 'human thing' is for me."  What's funny is that he's a straight, white, tall, heterosexual male and he still feels as hopeless and depressed about life as me.

I wonder why so many people who would be considered "abnormal" are so adamant about staying alive.  I was telling my mom this evening, I can't think of anything I possibly look forward to in this world.  I used to want to travel and see the world, but then studying Sociology has shown me that no matter where I go, I'm going to run into people who don't like me for one reason or another.  We think that people of Europe or even of Latin America are more tolerant than Americans.  Not so.  Some countries have even been getting worse while America has been improving after the civil right movement.

I feel like I was just born in the wrong time period.  Being born in the wrong body, in the wrong "race" would all be okay if I had just been born years from now.  I believe things are getting better, and things will be the way I wish they were in my mind, where people weren't so simple-minded and could really empathize with the plight of others.  But I don't want to be history's stepping stone towards this utopia we're heading towards.

I was going to rush in to check my T levels, but realized I don't need too.  I actually think the compund cream is working better than AndroGel, or atleast I have visible evidence that it's keeping my changes consistent.  

Today I noticed that my chin hairs are coming in thicker than usual.  I'm not too crazy about the hair that is randomly sprouting an my shoulders though. 

My chest is starting to shape up post op.  I will be requesting a revision to take down some excess tissue, but will probably wait till next winter to do it.  

Hung out with an old lesbian friend who I met when I used to hang out at a GLBT drop in center.  I like my friend, but don't really like the "lesbian crowd".  I liked hanging out with her and her girlfriend and her brother and his girlfriend.  But then I felt a bit crammed into "queer space" when she invted an additional set of lesbians to hang out.  But it was her party, so she can do what she wants.

I also felt a bit irked when she told other people that I am trans and asked me a bunch of questions infront of other people.  I don't mind answering questions in private and didn't mind that she told her girlfriend, but did find it a bit too much when she then told her brother and his girlfriend and then asked me about transition around them.  But I think she just doesn't know the protocol on dealing with us and I'll just have to tell her that I like to keep it secret.  I just recently started going stealth and didn't realize this preference myself, until I was in that situation.

Okay, I've got to start working on a midterm that I've been putting off.  It's take home essays.  Due in three hours, so I'd better get to it.

I think I need to start seeing my therapist on a regular basis again.  I feel like I'm "loosing it" and find myself talking to her in my head and telling her how fucked up everything in my life feels right now.  And I still have three more weeks until our next session.

From second to second, my view of the world changes drastically, along with my philosophy of how to approach life.  One minute the world is full of great people and interesting things and I just want to meet and greet everybody, the next it's filled with bigoted assholes and I want to blow up the records building of the school district that's hassling me over my request to change the name on my diploma.  It hurts to live in a world where prejudice people exist.  I feel like I can't even stand to share the same atmosphere with people who would dislike me for a reason other than my personality.  I'm always scared that one day my luck will run out and someone will discriminate against me in a serious way that causes a major upset in my life.  Even though this has never happened(atleast to my knowledge), the fear that it will happen in the future consumes me.  And I don't want to change the world or fight for every little accomplishment in my life.  I just want things to be different.    

I still don't have very many friends and even less time to spend with the few I do have.  For my sanity I had to get out of the GLBT office.   I'm okay with the current arrangement.  I find myself wanting to stay away from people more and more.  New people frustrate me.  I hate how the first impression earns me a stereotype that will last for the duration of our association.  I feel like my old friends- the people from my neighborhood, who I grew up with, know me better than anyone ever will.  But it's impossible for me to be around them because I was the only one who went to college.  Funny thing is, they're much better off than me.  I have one friend who's getting a lot out of the Army.      

I'm glad I don't live in Denver anymore and glad that I'm in Fort Collins.  This can be a lonely place, but I'm starting to really like having some room to breath.  Sometimes I feel like a bit of a looser doing everything by myself, but I never did understand why people feel they need to drag their friends along for everything they do.

I'm almost haunted by my past in the lesbian community.  I never felt like I was a part of it, but I think I've experienced the most trauma at the hands of lesbians.  I usually turn the other cheek, but I'm at a bioling point.  I have a list(though small) of people I would seriously swing a punch at if I saw again.  These girls keep doing crappy things to me, no one has every stood up for me or said a word on my behalf, and I get angry that anyone can walk all over me unpunished.

I have one more hour left of work.  I feel like I'm going to pass out already.  :-(  I should've gotten more sleep last night.

 

After starting T, I don't feel sad anymore.  But I still "think" in a misereable fashion, which lowers my spirits.

I just don't feel like I'm cut out for this life thing.  It upsets me that I am me.  I want to be someone else.  I am constantly surrounded by people I would like to be.  I don't buy that everyone has it hard in life or that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.  Going to a university with a semi-homogenous student body, I am constantly surrounded by kids who have enjoyable lives because they are semi-affluent, attractive by society's standards, and embody the traits of mainstream America.  I don't want to be me, I want to be one of them.  Everything about me is wrong.  I don't want to have to try so fucking hard to be liked.  I feel like I'm always needing to overcompensate.  To prove that even though I look different I'm just as good as anyone else.  What bullshit.  I know for a fact that there are many people who don't have to try so hard.  They have the looks and people are more likely to act friendly towards them.  I often feel that anything I acheive or may possibly acheive is completely meaningless when I'm around these folks and it's impossible to make that feeling go away. 

Maybe some people were made to overcome excessive hardship, but I'm not.  I feel that if you have to work unreasonably hard for something that comes so easily to everyone else, then it's not worth it.

I can really relate to David in AI.  The way he trudged on for the entire movie in attempt to gain something he can't reasonably have.  We all know it's impossible that he would ever become a real boy or that the parents who tossed him would reclaim him and love him the way he hoped for.  But he keeps trekking along in a futile effort. 

I really wish my family had disowned me so I would atleast have an excuse to be suicidal.  It's so frustrating keeping myself here when I don't even want to get out of bed most days.  But if there is a hell, I know I wouldn't be headed straight for it if I were to cause extensive pain to my immediate family by killing myself. 

I can't understand why suicide is so horrific for some people to commit- if they're genuinely suffering.  I tried to run this by my therapist- the idea that euthanasia should be encouraged for people who feel they are misfits- and she claims that if such a system were in place, she would never recommend it for me.  I don't get why she doesn't see that I'm pointless.  She's got to just be saying it because it's her job.

Every day I just wish I was never born and I really mean it.  I don't want to kill myself, but I sincerely wish I never existed.  I don't want to feel any other way because I know that my life is a pointless torture.  I know I'm the ultimate misfit who is unworthy of life.  My view on this will never change.  I've felt this way since I was a kid, I feel it now, I'll probably feel the same way on my deathbed.  I buy into positive thinking rhetoric from time to time, but when I look at it, I am worthless.  I can try to put a positive spin on my insignificance, but it doesn't make it less true.  

It's ironic because I do believe that everyone has a purpose.  But I think the purpose of my birth(which was accidental) was to bring my parents together so that my sister could be born.  She's the one who has potential in life.  Maybe the only reason God hasn't wiped me out is so that it doesn't affect her.  I always have found it odd that I desire life the least, but have always been the healthiest and luckiest(medically) than anyone I know.

 So I got a prescription for 2% T cream from my doctor.  I've gotta say, I don't like gynecology, but I think she's a really good doctor for transsexuals.  I do envy the guys who's docs never even make them get those types of exams, but I do really like the staff at the women's clinic.  When I was in the waiting room a few people came up to me and said hi and told me I was looking good(meaning my T changes were looking good) and that really made my day.  But yeah, I was really impressed that the second I mentioned wanting growth for bottom surgery she jumped right on board.  We also discussed the possibility of me switching completely to compound cream.  So I think I'm going to slowly ween off of AndroGel.  First I'll use both together, and then- assuming I even like the cream- I'll start using less and less AndroGel.  I mean, I love AndroGel because it's effective, odorless, and is easy to dispense, but there are better things I could do with the money I spend on it.

I'm still waiting to hear back from my surgeon on sedation.  I think I worded my request as politely as possible, so I'm hoping I didn't put him off with the question.  I know that screaming,"  noooooooo... don't touch me... please just knock me out!", or things to that extent, won't get me anywhere and would make it questionable whether I'm even stable enough to be permitted to have surgery.  So instead I just mentioned that I find those exams tough, they trigger my history of assault(though it was brief and I don't dwell on that event at all), relaxation techniques alone aren't helpful in handling the aftershock, and I would feel better if conscious sedation could be used to help me cope better with anxiety.  I definitely think it's a reasonable request and I won't act like a monster if it's denied.  But I will find other means to take down the anxiety. 

I called my therapist and- so far- it looks like I'm planning on bottom surgery.  I left a message letting her know that I need help deciphering the Standards of Care.

I'm a bit nervous because I really don't know anything about lower surgery at all.  I'm not scientifically minded and won't understand the surgery the way a medical professional has.  So I've got my research ahead of me.

I just want to make sure I get the ball rolling so that I can have my surgery next year.  It seems that many guys schedule their dates pretty far in advance.

I'm excited and nervous.  I wasn't originally planning this at all.  But then I realized that waiting many years before doing any type of lower surgery just doesn't make sense.  And if I never get around to pursuing that phalloplasty I'd rather have my meta than nothing.

After sulking all week, I woke up on a positive note.  I've just been thinking: why am I so afraid to take chances and go after things I want?  I mean, sure, I could apply for a job and someone could pass me up for a variety of reasons, but what would I really have to loose besides hurt feelings?

I have a mom who loves and supports me and I always have a spot on her couch if things go wrong.  With a safety net like that, I should actually be trying to jump higher- take more risks.

I've been alive long enough to know that the world doesn't come to an end when one or two things don't go as planned.  My goal for next year is take atleast one big risk that requires me to reach out of my comfort zone.

I've been thinking it's time for me to atleast buy some nice clothes for when I need to dress up.  I don't really want to put it off until the last minute.  For the most part I need to find a tailor to make sure I get a good fit since I'm extrememely small.  I don't know a whole lot about what a tailor can and can't do for me so I'm doing a bit of research before picking out clothes for modification.

I'm feeling much better about school.  My Judicial Politics professor cracks me up!  He definitely has an interesting sense of humor and an animated lecture style.  I actually was expecting this class to be dry and dull but am pleasantly surprised.  The judicial branch of government is the one that bores me the most(I don't even find the Supreme Court to be all that interesting).  Actually, I'm surprised that I'm finding all my classes interesting.  Public Administration is actually a pretty neat course.  Also, I had two of my professors from under division courses, so it's nice to already attest that they're good professors.  I had my Public Administration professor in State and Local Government, which actually was a dry class.  It covers all the issues that don't exactly seize the attention of most people, such as water rights, beuracracy, etc.   Maybe I'm just becoming boring though.  I think I'm less of a romantic wanting to change the world and am now at the point where I'm actually interested in the less exciting details of government.  

I kind of feel for my Western European Politics professor.  She's one of the professors who many don't like.  I think it's mostly her lecture style.  For the most part I don't like bashing on professors and don't really appreciate when other students do.  I figure, if the professor is that horrible they can just drop the class and move to another section.  No need to stick around and ruin the atmosphere for people who might actually be enjoying the class.

I have one class that I haven't started yet.  Native American History is only on Mondays and we started school Tuesday.  This class has a Service Learning component that will give us the chance to do work projects on a reservation.  I'm actually looking forward to it!  It'll be a "campy" environment and might be the first time I'll get to really bond and interact with people in a "stealth" manner.  This is the first semester that I've had my name changed on school records, so my professors don't even know I'm transitioning(or atleast I don't think they know).  For the past semester I have had to tell each prof individually to call me Adam.  And back then my last name was still Adams, so classmates still knew something was up due to the fishy name: Adam Adams.    

I'm starting work next week.  I'm a little bit nervous about the changes they're making by starting everyone off on aquisitions.  I know it's fair to give everyone an equal shot at better pools, but at the same time I feel I worked pretty hard to get those better pools in the first place.  I'm not a natural conversationalist and I hated presenting as female over the phone, which made the job a huge challenge when I first started.  I made use of training I'd received from other similar jobs I've done in the past, and used it at this job and that's what made me successful.  And no matter what pool I've called I've given my all.  Not really because I'm selfless so much as I don't settle for sub par performance on the job.  If I can't excel or eventually excel at something I'm doing, I usually choose not to do it at all.(I was explaining my philosophy to my mom a few weeks ago and she rolled her eyes.  But it does explain why I quit hobby after hobby as a kid.  No use sticking wtih something you suck at.)  

I scheduled a long overdue optometrist appointment and am realizing it's about time.  I could hardly read the chalk board in class today and know it's time for a new prescription.  I'm getting glasses to accompany my contacts and might have to start forcing myself to wear them.  I hate feeling like a geek and looking lame(I do not look good in glasses), but my ability to focus when I'm wearing contacts isn't nearly as good.  Years ago, I had bifocals that really helped me with up close reading.

I'm trying to free myself of the negativity I've been feeling so I can go into my job and school and try to give my best performance.  Last semester I really let a lot of things slide because I took on way more than I could manage.  This semester my goal is to really stay on top of everything so I don't feel so defeated at the end of the semester.

If I end up loosing my status as a top caller at work I've gotta just grin and bear it.  I know that being a complainer is probably ten times worse than just being a mediocre employee.  Still, it kind of sucks I could loose something I've worked hard at.  I mean people probably assume that luck and good calling pools are the reason I did well for the past two semesters, but I also put insane amounts of energy into the job. 

And aquisitions are a weakness for me.  Each calling pool has a different approach that takes practice.  When I first worked the job I was good at aquisitions.  I worked out a system for talking to them and it worked.  But then when you finally get to talk to people who donate regularly, that approach doesn't work anymore.  I had to practice new methods.  Going back to aquisitions just to "prove myself" again is frustrating because it took me a whole semester to figure out how to talk to that pool in the first place.  These people are alums who have never donated and for the most part, haven't donated in years.  They're usually much older and care much less about the school than alums in other calling pools.  Many of them cannot hear that well so you have to SPEAK UP LIKE THIS when you're talking to them.  Others are just plain mean.  If they haven't donated in years, it's usually for a pretty good reason- they really didn't get much out of their college experience and don't have any money to part with on a donation.

It's so odd because they say they appreciate us and want us to come back, but they've butchered our bonus and are starting everyone on the worse calling pool imaginable.  I almost feel that better callers have a worse chance dealing with aquisitions than less experienced callers because we're just used to getting people to give more money compared to enticing people to donate who've never donated at all.  Then there's beginner's luck.  If you put a newbie on the top pools because they lucked out on aquisitions, there are still many skill they haven't honed on that could lower their ability to raise significant amounts of money on the better pools.  I mean, sure, it's not hard to get people who give every year to give again, but it takes some time and craft to systematically get these same people to donate more than they did the last time.

It just seems like a nice attempt a fairness that isn't quite fair.  But you know what, I've been at this job for two years now.  I think I really should push myself to find something new.  I've already broken the biggest record I could break when I reached 100K last year and am seeing my ability to grow decline.  For the most part I've mastered my job(though there's not much to master I'll admit).  And I don't really think I would want to be a supervisor because of the social atmosphere.  I like my coworkers, think they're good people, appreciate everyone being cool about my transition, but feel pretty out of place on a social level.  It's an extrememly heterosexist environment and I don't think I would really get the respect needed to supervise and- to an extent- be an authority figure.  Because of the "school spirit" nature of the job, I think it's an appropriate environment, but when I'm being my true self, it's just not me.  One thing that's always fascinated me is that I've got less in common with the average alum than anyone else I work with, but I'm able to build satisfying repore due to my ability to "fake it".

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for even considering leaving.  Loyalty is pretty important to me.  But then again- being a transsexual isn't cheap.  I can't afford to stick out financially unrewarding situations out of guilt.  I mean, I've known of people who work at fast food resteraunts who make more money than me.  And I know my supervisor has tried to help out by getting us a 75 cent raise, but it nowhere near compensates for the one thousand dollar bonus I'm missing out on when they got rid of tuition reimbursement.